You Funny Little Man

I picked that line up from Stephen King’s A Bag of Bones. This morning I woke up obsessing. I am posting this as my very last rant and it is pretty much a repetition of what I posted yesternight but sounding less like a mad woman's gurgling attempts at a sensible rant. Usually I do not like these bouts of this behavior because they bring with them immense sadness. I was silently praying as I walked to driving school that God gives my heart peace.

I do not like to think that I have been used. Again. I know this has happened before but in this instance it is just too painful with all that is involved. Why do we love playing games; beating around the bush and just being shady? It frustrates and annoys the shit out of me honestly. I love honesty. Tell me the truth and you and I will be friends for life. The truth sometimes hurts, granted, but I am one person who would rather stand hurt by the truth than remain in the dark and in turn end up hurting from feelings of betrayal. I want this to be my last rant about this issue. I don’t want to continue dragging the emotional charges this whole thing has brought me and ruin my life.

I just cannot help but wonder and ask myself questions. This is the same person who made so many promises pertaining to being my shield and being a friend. I cannot count the number of times where he prompted me asking if I was worried that he was just using me and eventually planned to dump me and in the same breath assured me not to worry. This is the same person who insisted of my place in his heart and yet without batting an eyelid says that he was only in the process of searching his heart of the right person to open and give his heart to. The same person who made me forfeit my attempt to move on September last year and asked me to be patient and wait for him to sort himself out is the same person, who, after sorting himself out found me expendable and decided that it was time to let me drop. I am only trying to figure out the fairness in that. I would not want to force someone to love me but I am so confused by all these things. So many words were said; so many mixed messages sent my way; promises were made and yet all these are being denied and then someone keeps insisting they never lied to you. I just wonder.

One minute I am given my marching orders out of his life and the next he wants to know how things are going with me. I don’t understand. I am not being mean or rude or cruel and honestly deep in my heart I want just that, to have him in my life and because my love for him does not stop at the intimate level, I would gladly have him as a friend and keep that special bond and I have said that to him a million and one times. I am not ashamed that I declared my love to a man who does not love me back. It is what it is. I spoke my truth and I bask in it I will not hide. It is sad to see people not able to speak their truth for fear of judgment and whatever else it is they fear. I consider that weak but then we are all human. I do not feel necessarily superior or look down on anyone for that and I am in fact thankful to God for giving me an open mind. I try at all times to see past my opinions and to stand in someone else’s position and stance and see things from their point of view. I try. I may not always be successful but I make an effort.

I just want to close this chapter and move on with life. I have a lot ahead of me but until the pain subsides and I am back to my full self it seems to be taking forever. I have decided to take it one day at a time and see what the future holds. One thing I know for sure is we always get what we want. Don’t let no one tell you otherwise. I know I don’t. so I keep asking myself all these questions; all these contradictory theories I am trying to put together and I end up shaking my head and I hear in my mind this derisive snort and the harsh voice that is my dark side saying “You funny little man..” I am trying to understand and at the same time I cannot shake my wariness off. Last time I asked him to help me I just got a slap in the face. Can I really trust him when he says anything he can do to help me he will? Can I really risk getting hurt and humiliated again and ask him for his help? I didn’t explain this to him as you already know verbally I suck at expressing myself. I guess all my rudeness and telling him he cannot help me with my life was just a result of the fear of repetitions. I already took him up on his offer and look where it got me. Once bitten twice shy and all that. How do I go back and ask him to help me again? As much as I wish I could trust him with my life a part of me is telling me only one thing: run. But I believe in second chances. Maybe he is feeling remorseful hard as it is to imagine all things considered. I think about how happy he must be having gotten his “happiness” back and I feel my own elation. I know how much this must mean to him to have what he treasures back. I can only stand at a distance on the shores of his sea of happiness and smile and wave as I watch him sail away before I return to my own bleak realty and start all over again. Tat is why it hurts so much. Nothing hurts like being alone. I wish all the love I have and still do carry for him and how I would give my last piece of dry bread to relieve his hunger were the exact same things someone out there held for me. Nothing is as sad as being alone. Nothing. Trust me, I know.