Emotionally Lonely

Just coming from a nice, drug induced nap. Kidding. I had some tea at 1800 hrs and fell asleep on the couch attempting to watch Aeon Flux which I didn’t. Yeah, I watch a lot of TV too. That is one of the reasons I wondered whether I am emotionally lonely. I do not mean just at present because of this little situation I got in my hands but I wondered generally if I have always been emotionally lonely. Random, but I can’t wait to start driving lessons. I know I said I never made a list of resolutions-not on paper anyways-but I have all of them written down in my heart and I am so, so excited to get down to it. Finally… I am going to learn how to drive. Woohoo! Just that the delay is from these two idiots who are delaying my payments. I love this freelancing thing though. And I got a $5000 job in the pipeline this month. Yaay…

So back to the subject at hand; I am lonely right now. Like I said earlier I now know what they meant when they said you don’t know what you got till it’s gone. I miss him emotionally, I really, really do. Yes, he still is very much in my heart but there has been a rift and I feel it and hence the loneliness. I miss talking to him, I miss making love with him, I miss sleeping with him, I miss waking up and snuggling up next to him, I miss his goofiness, I miss his laughter, I miss his beautiful smile, I miss staring at him, I miss his charm, I miss kissing him, I miss depending on him, I miss sharing things with him; my dreams, my hopes my achievements, I miss giving him my love, I miss giving him my all and I want all the things I miss back.

After my dramatic half-assed attempt at a relationship before he came along, I thought maybe I was too clingy and maybe too emotional that is why things have never gone well with me in my past relationships. I begun to worry that my intensity and passion was the cause of my messed up relationships. But then I realized I never had a real relationship, ever. I want that so much. I want the whole shebang. I am tired of having to hide behind shadows and having to pretend and to sneak around. I want the whole ten yards. I want the romance, the unbridled sex, the romance, the fights and the kissing and making up. I want to feel loved, I want to be spoiled, and I want to be the center of his world. I miss that. I thirst for it with all my heart. And I want it with only one person, him. One thing I no longer am is ashamed of my intense passion. I am proud of it for it is who I am. Without it I would not be me.

Emotionally lonely? Yes. That I am… wish he would come sweep me off my feet once more but this time ride away with me into the darkness that has always intrigued me. I want him to unlock my very dark inner mind and enter into my fantasy. I wish to spend every waking moment with him. I want to wake up in the morning and ask him what he wants for breakfast, I want to hold him and cradle his head in my arms when the world seems rough, I want to be his refuge; where he turns to in times of trouble. I want to laugh with him, to smile with him, I want to share silence with him. I want all of him.

Everyone has their little escape where the cruelties of life cannot touch them no matter what; everybody has that secret place where nothing matters except the total, seclusion of peace that they are experiencing. It could be in anything. For some it is in a book, some a physical location, some a drug, some a song, some alcohol and some sex. It depends on individual need and no one judges you there because no one is there when you are getting your little piece of heaven. No one but you knows the ecstasy, the thrill, the excitement and intensity of your pleasure and nothing can interfere with it. Nothing else matters, everything fades; all your problems, your worries, all thought and the whole world ceases to exist… it is your moment and you stand alone basking in your own glory. He was my escape. I felt nothing but simple joy; so pure like that of a child whenever I was with him. I was in a constant state of pure joy when we were alone, together. Nothing beats that state of serenity. He always made me calm and I want to feel and experience that again. That is what I want back with all my intention. I want my bliss back because as much as I know I create my own bliss, I know for sure he completes it, gives it the final brush; that last touch. It is like a work of art; a carving and he gives it the final touches, perfecting it. I miss you.