It is almost 5 in the afternoon. I am perched on my new favorite place: the top deck of the double-decked bed that I share with Sharon. Mom sleeps on my bed now. I have cried my eyes out. I still have residual tears that I am holding back. It is a gloomy day outside, perfect weather for writing and for being miserable.
I trust that with the many blessings I have right now I still have in abundance much more coming to me from God. However, even with this clear knowledge and belief, I still feel an emptiness I am yet to figure out. Until right this moment. It is a familiar empty feeling; the same feeling I had about 4 months ago that had me reduced to tears and had me wanting to break free form an unseen bondage. Only this time around I know what I want to be freed from. The bondage of freedom. Imagine being imprisoned for however long or short a period of time and then being released into the great, vast land of freedom. For a while, we are disoriented and we do not know what to do. There is a feeling of depression there as we stand and wonder “What next?” For a split second we want to turn and go back to that cell we were held in.
My theory of freedom, however, swerves off this one a bit. I think we love being in bondage. In life, we are slaves to one thing or the other. I know for sure that the slave master I will gladly serve is my higher self. I am enlightened enough to know that now. But people are always slaves to something or even someone. Some are slaves to their jobs, some to their car, some to their family, some to their friends, some to their faith, some to their wealth and so on. We tend to want to hold on to something and when that something is missing we become miserable.
So I questioned my freedom today. I have no family of my own to think of or take care of. I am single, I am beautiful and I am successful. Am I happy? to be very honest, no. I am a strong believer of inner happiness and bliss as I have mentioned so many times I am in pursuit of. I am free in a certain sense that would be defined that way in the normal world. Free to pursue my wildest dream, free to love whomever I choose to, free to travel, free to do anything I want basically. This freedom that is supposed to make me one of the happiest people on earth is having a total and opposite effect instead. Don’t get me wrong, I love the feeling of freedom but it is not the kind of freedom I want. I am only free when I am tied to my intended object of a slave master. Right now, this object has set me free. I stand feeling empty and unhappy. I could go anywhere, do anything and yet I want to explore the vast land lying in its simple beauty before me but I want to do that while tied to my desired bondage. Le sigh…
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